Happy Sunday. 🌞 Sundays often feel like the perfect day for reflection, so I thought I’d take a moment to share a piece of my journey with you.

As many of you know, my writing isn’t just words on a page—it’s a mirror to my own soul. Every poem, every line, comes from lived experience, deep introspection, and sometimes, the little everyday moments that carry unexpected weight.

This week, I’ve been working on something new that feels raw, real, and deeply tied to nature’s rhythms. As I sort through the emotions and memories fueling this latest collection (Relational Relics: The Entire Point), I feel deeply honored to bring these pieces into the world. It’s not just poetry—it’s my way of connecting with you. It truly feels like a gift.

If you've been drawn to my words in Die with Me or Healing: Cum and Dance, I think you’ll find this new work holds the same depth and honesty, with a fresh perspective on relationships, longing, and love.

In the meantime, if you’ve connected with any of my books, it would mean the world if you left a review on Amazon or shared a favorite line with a friend. Every share helps these words find the hearts they’re meant to touch.

Thank you for being here and allowing me to share these pieces of myself with you. It’s truly a gift to connect in this way.

Wishing you a peaceful Sunday filled with whatever makes you feel most alive.

With love,
Hunni

P.S. I’d love to hear what you’re reflecting on this Sunday. Hit reply and share—your stories inspire me.

I loved others so they could or would love me back. I gave love conditionally, to receive it.

I chose men who I thought needed love—the hurt men, the wounded men, the men devoid of life. I thought I could breathe them life.

I did this in exchange for their love and devotion, which they would or could never freely give.

When always and inevitably they did not love me, I chose to believe it was my fault. I felt unworthy. My story was that ‘I am unlovable.’

I didn’t want to believe this horrible story of pain and tears and dread, so I fought. I fought them. Told them they were wrong, they were lying, they were just afraid.

And I fought myself, refusing to accept the truth as it unfolded before me: they could not love me. Because I could not love me.

And so I chose the men who also did not, could not, love—themselves, or me.

I loved out of fear, and so I did not love at all.

It’s a full moon, which means we can see truth more easily. What truth do you see about yourself? What is an old story about the way that you love that you now feel ready to let go of?

Let’s talk about it.

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I’ve been working on putting my fourth poetry collection together, and, as promised, I want to share the title, a little about what it’s about, and some insights into my experience weaving it together.

Relational Relics: The Entire Point is a poetic exploration of relationships and the profound impact they have on our lives. Through deeply introspective and emotionally raw poetry, this collection delves into the journey of human connection—from the initial longing for closeness, through the tenderness of love, the pain of heartbreak, the courage of self-discovery, and finally, the peace of spiritual transformation.

Each poem is a “relic,” a lasting remnant of my own personal experiences with relationships. The collection traces the arc of human intimacy, revealing how relationships serve as mirrors, reflecting our deepest desires, vulnerabilities, and capacity for growth. It speaks to the beauty and complexity of love, the wounds and lessons of loss, and the strength found in healing.

At its heart, this book is about finding meaning in relationships—the entire point of our human experience is relational. It’s about connecting with others, with nature, and, ultimately, with oneself.

Every time I sit down to work on the book, I enter a space of communion with the divine, with the deep feminine. The feeling of communion with Her is so palpable as I carefully craft these beautiful relics of words into an experience that’s both universal and deeply personal.

To be honest, I feel emotional assembling such a personal collection. These poems capture a wide range of intimate, raw experiences—each one holds a memory, a feeling, or a piece of me that was meaningful at the time of writing. Seeing them all together, organized as a journey from longing through love, heartbreak, healing, and transformation, can feel like looking back over significant chapters of my life. It’s both vulnerable and empowering.

As I put this collection together, it’s a testament to my strength, growth, and insight. Each poem, like a “relic,” captures a moment in time, yet collectively, they show my evolution as both a writer and a person. In a way, I’m honoring all those emotions, giving them a lasting home in this book.

I cannot wait to share it with you before the end of the year!

In the meantime, I’d love to know what you think, any questions you have, and what’s on your heart when you think about such a book.

Leave a comment

Blessed Be,

Hunni Bloom

Thank you for being here and making this space so vibrant and alive. Every word, every share, and every bit of support means the world to me. If you enjoy what you find here but aren’t ready to become a subscriber, feel free to leave a little one-time tip on Buy Me A Coffee. Your presence and support have truly helped create this beautiful, magical community. Thank you for being part of it.

Buy Me A Coffee

I hope you’re feeling all the love and light today on this beautiful Sunday! I wanted to reach out with a small request that would mean so much to me.

If you’ve enjoyed the poems I share here on my blog, would you consider leaving a quick review on Amazon? Even if you haven’t read my books from cover to cover, sharing a few words about how my poetry has touched you would be such a gift. Every review helps my words reach new hearts and souls who might need them.

Here’s How You Can Help:

1. Choose a book you’d like to review: Die with Me: Surrendering of Suffering or Healing: Cum and Dance (bonus points if you review both!).

2. Head to Amazon: Die With Me | Healing.

3. Share a few thoughts on how my words have resonated with you, either here on the blog or through my books.

And as a thank-you, I’m excited to share something very close to my heart! Next Sunday, I’ll be revealing the title of my upcoming book and sharing an exclusive poem from it just for you. It’s a piece of my heart, and I can’t wait for you to read it.

Thank you for being here, for your warmth, and for all the ways you show up. I’m so grateful for each of you.

With love, light, and an abundance of gratitude,
Hunni Bloom

I hope all you lovely humans are resting, recouping, and maybe a little bored—bored enough to check (and read!) your emails, hehe.

Today, I want to share a bit more about my second poetry book, Die with Me: Surrendering to Suffering.

Yes, the title is a bit… stark. But it speaks directly to what the book is about: loss, grief, and the necessity of embracing change. Die with Me is an invitation—a call to action. It’s a collection of poetry that poured out of me in the year after I lost my dog, Tabby.

Tabby wasn’t just a pet; she was my first experience of unconditional love. Animals are pure elements; they love without the complications of human consciousness. Tabby taught me this form of love—the truest form.

When she passed, a part of me went with her: the part that held onto limiting beliefs about love, that sought conditional love, that was traumatized, lost, and addicted. Her death facilitated my rebirth, but that rebirth demanded a price—surrendering to suffering.

I had to surrender to the grief of losing her and the parts of myself that needed to be released so I could experience a rebirth in how I show up in the world. The poems in this collection walk through my journey of surrender.

Can you relate to this experience? We can all relate to life’s ebb and flow. But can you relate to choosing surrender in order to ascend, to transform?

This book is for you, for anyone at the crossroads between resistance and surrender. My hope for us all is that we choose surrender, again and again.

In many spiritual traditions, 13 symbolizes transformation, change, and rebirth—a movement beyond the ordinary into the mystical. This is because 12 represents completion (as in 12 months, 12 zodiac signs, 12 hours), and 13 marks the start of a new cycle, symbolizing movement beyond the ordinary and into the spiritual or mystical.

It just so happens that to reach the #20 bestseller spot in Amazon’s Death, Grief, and Loss category, I need to sell 13 copies in 24 hours.

Reaching that spot would help the book find more people who might choose surrender too. Your support, and more than that, your own surrender, would mean the world to me—precisely because it will help change the world.

Blessed be,
Hunni Bloom

Buy the Book

Happy Sunday! Today, I want to take a moment to share something close to my heart. My journey with words has always been about connection—whether through poetry, storytelling, or simple reflections. And today, I’m excited to offer you a little more of that connection in deeper and more meaningful ways.

💌 Become a Paid Subscriber & Unlock Exclusive Content

If you’ve been enjoying my daily poems and reflections, I invite you to join me as a paid subscriber. For just a small monthly contribution, you’ll gain access to:

• Exclusive poems not available anywhere else

• Behind-the-scenes insights into my writing process

• Personal reflections that go deeper into themes of spirituality, sensuality, and self-love

• First looks at any upcoming projects, including my next poetry book (yes, it's coming 😉)

Becoming a paid subscriber supports my work and allows me to continue creating the content you love. Plus, I’ve got some exciting perks lined up for my subscriber community that I can’t wait to share.

Subscribe now

📖 Die with Me: Surrendering to Suffering

For those of you who’ve asked how to support my work in other ways, my poetry book Die with Me: Surrendering to Suffering is available on Amazon! This book is an intimate journey through themes of love, loss, and the beauty in surrendering to life’s hardest moments.

If you haven’t had the chance to check it out yet, here’s your Sunday reminder to grab your copy. Trust me, you won’t want to miss these poems if you’ve ever felt called to reflect on what it means to grow through pain.

Get Your Copy on Amazon

🌸 Follow Me on Social Media for Daily Inspiration

I love connecting with you on a deeper level, and I’m sharing more of my journey on social media. For poetry, reflections, and a peek into my daily life, follow me on TikTok @hunni_bloom and @die.with.me_poetry!

This is where I’m most active, and it’s the best way to keep up with all my projects, including affiliate finds, self-love tips, and behind-the-scenes peeks into my work.

Follow Me on TikTok

Wishing you a peaceful Sunday filled with self-love and poetry. Thank you for being part of this beautiful community, and I’m so grateful for your support!

With love and gratitude,
Hunni Bloom 🌸

But, I’m a poet, and I have poetry books. And I want you to know about them.

I want to describe to you what writing poetry looks like for me, and what it means to me.

Imagine me walking down a forest path, or on a sidewalk in a quiet neighborhood. There I am, dog leash in my hand, blue skies, my mind aimlessly wandering, and then, I hear a verse.

It’s not audible; I don’t hear it like I would hear you speaking out loud to me.

I hear it in my mind.

And I instantly know, this is a poem.

I know that because the line has a somberness to it. It’s sober, it’s clear, it’s ethereal.

Sometimes a line will come to me when I am stream of consciousness writing in my journal, or when I’m sweeping my kitchen. I hear lines often when I’m simply relaxing in my gravity chair on my back porch.

It’s always in moments when I am open though. There’s a state of receptivity I must be in for the poems to come through.

Then, I get myself to a notebook. On rare occasions, if I can’t make it to paper and a pen, I’ll use my phone to type it out. But there’s something that feels essential— old and true, even— about recording the poem onto paper.

And then I do just that— I record it. I write it down.

Often I will pause right before my pen hits the paper and take a deep breath, say a short prayer and ask for help receiving this blessed poem. Then, I scribe.

It happens just like that. The poem pours out of and through me.

I serve as a vessel for the poem. I do not craft the poem myself.

This, dear friends, is why my tagline for Hunni Bloom is “poetry for and from Her.”

The ‘Her’ is the Deep Feminine— the Mother— the Source.

This is why I call myself The Priestess Poet, because scribing and sharing poetry is part of my calling to serve as a priestess in this world, during these times.

This poetry is not meant to stay veiled in my notebooks.

It’s meant to be shared, to be stewarded, into the world.

So, I am praying now for discipline and courage. For discipline to post here more, regularly, to engage with you all in a community-building and reciprocal way, and to diligently share these poems on other channels like social media.

And I need courage too, to humble ask you to serve me so I may continue serving others with these blessed words that travel through me.

You can serve me by buying my books, and by becoming a paid subscriber to my blog here.

Sundays have long been known as a holy day. And so it feels right to start today, and to commit to sharing the word on Sundays. I will move forward in partnership with Sundays as a day to be disciplined and courage, and ask the world to show up for me as I do for you.

Blessed be.

Die with Me: Surrendering to Suffering is a journey through grief and loss; it is a journey of descent. This collection wades through suffering and shows how the process of surrendering and accepting pain is the only pathway to peace. It’s for anyone who is amidst pain, wants to deepen their understanding of suffering, or wants to help others out of annihilating darkness.

The tri-cities (Bristol, Johnson City, and Kingsport— I live in Bristol) were spared somehow. But everything around us was annihilated. Entire mountain communities have been wiped out.

(*Disclaimer: all the photos in this post are pre-hurricane. I want you see Appalachia in her full ripened wholeness.)

I haven’t done much over the past week as this has unfolded. When the storm hit, I lost power for a few days. Luckily, my parents, who live 20 minutes away, still had power, so I went there daily to shower and charge my phone.

I’ve checked in with my friends living in the hardest-hit areas, but I’ve mostly stayed still, watching everything unfold like a horror movie. Social media is flooded with pictures, videos, and updates. Communities are organizing, activating relief efforts.

I’m not entirely sure how to help. I’m not in a position to give much financially right now, and I don’t feel able to contribute through manual labor either. So, I shall write.

I’ll tell you about Appalachia. And I will ask those of you who can to help.

I’ve had a complicated relationship with Appalachia, as many do.

Am I Appalachian?

I am. I am.

I was raised in these hills, and even when I moved away, I kept returning. In 2014, I moved to Colorado for school but returned here for weeks and months during my breaks. I started relationships here, maintained my closest friendships, and all my family lives here. The wild places etched into my very being are here.

I never called Colorado home during my time living there— it didn’t feel right. Then in 2018, I moved to Illinois and stayed for six years. During that time, I visited Virginia less and less. With ancestral roots in the Midwest, I know on some soul level, I was mending parts of myself that needed the wide-open prairies to heal.

But when a time of transition came, and my ties to the Midwest unraveled, I felt lost.

So I got quiet. I listened.

And I heard the mountains. These mountains.

I felt the rivers, tasted the honeysuckle, heard the coyotes.

I saw the cardinal—our state bird.

I felt a powerful pull to return. To re-turn. To turn again to this land for healing and love.

And so, I moved back. I now live in a holler in southwest Virginia, on many acres of wild land that belong to one of my childhood best friends. It’s generational land, and the home her mother and grandmother grew up in. Now, I get to steward this place.

A close friend once told me the land heals us. We don’t have to do anything but show up. And so I’ve been doing that. I walk outside and just sit at the base of the mountains in my backyard.

When my heart breaks or is too full, too fragile, or too veiled for me to discern what She wants, I lay down on the earth and let my salty tears sink into the land.

And the land holds me. It heals me. Again and again, she brings me back to myself.

The love and comfort this place provides, in its abundant aliveness, are humbling and soul forging.

Sometimes, I feel unworthy. Sometimes, I still feel like an outsider. There are parts of the culture here I struggle with, and others I wish ran even deeper in my bones and lineage.

I left once. I went to many other places—across the world. I’ve seen and experienced the Rockies, the Himalayas, the Andes, the Atlas Mountains, the Scottish Highlands.

But there is no place like Appalachia.

The land here has a soul of its own. An ancient soul that’s been around since The Beginning.

And you can feel this Truth when you step into the full glory of the land that is Appalachia.

She is ripe here, and she is fortuitous. She is wise and uncanny.

And right now, She is hurting and needs your help.

Please, if you can, consider giving in any way. Whether through donations, sharing resources, or raising awareness—every little bit helps. Here’s a compiled list of relief efforts and ways to contribute: Hurricane Helene Relief Efforts.

Appalachia has endured so much over the centuries—its land shaped by both natural forces and the unyielding spirit of the people who call it home. Even now, after the devastation of this storm, I have faith that these mountains will heal, just as they have before. The resilience of this region is etched into its landscape, woven into its culture. The people here, rooted in community and care, will rise again—stronger, more connected, and ready to rebuild.

We will heal each other. We will heal the land.

We will show up with open hearts and willing souls, and She, our dear Appalachia, will heal us.

Mountain Mama

I have heard your call
deep in my crackling bones
to return
to the lands of my youth. 

These lands lay bare
a truth only those 
who hold her within
can hear.

Only those
who wade barefoot
in the frigid water
running clean through my toes. 

Only those
whose hands carry
the decaying Earth 
back to her grave.

Only those
who open their tender hearts
to the beckoning of home
belong. 

Belong, 
I do. 

I belong to the river,
to the trees,
to the branches waving to the clouds.

I belong to the bird song, 
the coyote howl,
even to the bear protecting her cubs.

This is my home. 

A home that lives within, 
made of memories
and longings
and regrets.

A home I shall never part,
no matter how far I go. 

A home so true,
so ancient and omnipotent
that she leaves me no choice
but to surrender to her call. 

I am here. 
I'm listening. 

What wisdom lives here?
Why have you called me home, 
my Mountain Mama? 

I am sending a quick note to you lovely, wonderful people to say hi and give a proper introduction. And an update too— it’s been a minute.

You’re getting this email because at some point during the past few years, you subscribed to my blog/newsletter (was a blog and as of September 2023, it’s a newsletter here on Substack).

I switched over to this new platform because it gives me more autonomy in requesting/receiving financial support for my offerings, and it’s more intuitive generally.

If you know me, you know I’m a big fan of intuition.

And speaking of intuition, you’ve not heard from me for a while (apart from the sweet prayer I sent out Friday). That’s because I was following my intuition to a far away, remote island, then to a mountain home retreat, for a deeply private and inward journey.

I spent five weeks in Ireland and Scotland, followed by another five weeks in my homeland where my parents and siblings reside— central Appalachia in the USA.

See below for incredibly awesome, beautiful photos.

There’s not a lot I am ready or willing to share about that time yet. Other than it was necessary. It was pivotal. It was transcendent. And you will see the fruits of that time come through in many of the poems I share in the coming months.

Yeah so . . . poems. Lots of poems are coming. I’d like to touch on this— some housekeeping stuff.

There are two subscription options here for this Hunni Bloom newsletter- free and paid.

All subscribers will receive five emails per week: Monday & Friday everyone will get a poem that is published in one of my poetry books. Every Wednesday everyone will receive an answered prayer by the deep feminine.

Every Tuesday and Thursday, however, I will send unpublished poetry. Free subscribers will get a preview of these poems and paid subscribers will get full access.

Finally, I will send a pointing (a longer blog post touching on sensuality, spirituality, and self love) 1x per month. Only paid subscribers will have access to this.

It’s taken me a while to come to these decisions about what to offer here, and what to paywall versus offer freely.

The truth is that I see the sharing of these offerings, to you, as a responsibility I have as a vessel and steward of the deep feminine. The poems do not come from me, they come through me. And it is a gift to share them.

It is also a gift to both ask for and receive financial abundance by and through this sharing. The more I receive, the more I can give.

If this work touches you, consider giving. Because giving is truly a gift.

It really is incredible to be here. Poetry has changed my life. To me, there is nothing more ethereal than a poem which gives voice to the inner realms of our existence. Poetry can move so much in us. It can transport and transform and transmute.

I say more about this here on my About page. I explain more about the subscription options there too (and there’s more pics!) as well share more of my own background.

In summary, I’m here for you. I’m here for me, too. I think being here for you is how I be here for me.

So again, I am glad you’re here. I’m glad we’re here, together.

Please get in touch anytime. Your feedback, questions, thoughts— they are worth sharing. I want to hear from you.

Blessed be.

-Hunni

1. Tell the truth to yourself about yourself.

2. Tell the truth to yourself about another.

3. Tell the truth about yourself to another.

4. Tell the truth about another to that other.

5. Tell the truth to everyone about everything.

Let's dig in.

Read more

“Treat others as you want to be treated.”

What does it really mean to have self love?

I’ve had many unhealthy relationships in my life. I’ve gone long periods of time (like years and years) without commitment, but rarely ever longer than a few months without having someone (or a few someones) just a text away.

I’ve been unable to be alone.

This isn’t to say I haven’t been lonely. There is a difference. I know the experience of loneliness very, very well.

But being alone, and fully content within that state of being, has been something that never felt natural to me— never felt safe on a fundamental level of my beingness.

Why? Why not?

Why can some people feel perfectly secure being alone (as in, not having any current love interests for lengthy periods of time) and others cannot?

Why can some people easily have happy, healthy relationships and others cycle through toxic after toxic relationship?

Why do some people seem to be naturally, effortlessly secure and confident and others of us seem to be plagued with never ending cycles of depression and anxiety?

And what about addiction? How does that play into all this?

Buckle up friends, we’re going for a ride.

Cue Attachment Theory

Attachment Theory is a social science theory developed in the 60s that helps explain how humans form and experience closeness with others and how we experience our environments. If you want to listen to a super awesome podcast getting into the nitty gritty of Attachment Style (+ authenticity + addiction), listen here.

Long story short, there was an experiment done with toddlers, mothers, and strangers. It went something like this: mom and baby go into a new, strange room (that the toddler had never been in before) that has some toys laying around and a stranger sitting in a chair. Eventually mom leaves the toddler in the room alone with the stranger and the toys. Then mom comes back into the room.

The purpose of the experiment was to observe the different ways the toddlers reacted to mom leaving and returning.

The scientists found three different, very distinct ways the toddlers behaved:

1. Secure- the toddler got a little upset when mom left, but it was brief. Then the toddler got curious about the space, started exploring, played with some toys. When mom came back, toddler was happy to see mom.

2. Anxious (or it’s sometimes called Ambivalent)- the toddler freaked the eff out when mom left. Screaming, crying, inconsolable. The toddler did not calm down, did not get curious about the environment or room, and freaked the eff out even more when/if the stranger tried to console them. When mom came back, the toddler was very angry and emotional but eventually was soothed when once again, mom was there caring for them.

3. Avoidant- the toddler didn’t give a fuck. Mom left and the toddler barely noticed or cared. The toddler was not curious about the room and didn’t play with the toys. When mom came back, toddler was indifferent.

*Note: later on other scientists found/labeled a 4th style, called disorganized attachment, which is a combination of anxious and avoidant, and is super super rare.

Through much more research, social science has been able to link these three different styles of relating to how we form and experience relationships as adults.

As you might guess, whatever attachment style you develop as a baby, you end up having as an adult. These styles of relating are quite literally programmed and conditioned into our nervous systems. They are unconscious, but hold these underlying core beliefs:

1. Secure attachment- there are people in my life I can depend on to meet my needs, physically and emotionally. I am cared for and loved just as I am. I can be my authentic self and someone will love me and care for me.

2. Anxious attachment- I can sometimes depend on people, but not always. And I don’t know when I can so I have to always be on the lookout. Sometimes, if I make myself loud and big enough, the people who are supposed to care for me will hear me and meet my needs. I am cared for and loved only sometimes and I have to be/behave a certain way to get that care and love.

3. Avoidant attachment- I cannot depend on others to meet my needs, so I have to do it myself, or try to just not have needs. It’s safer for me to not try to depend on anyone. No matter what I do, I am not cared for and loved, so I push everyone away and choose to be alone.

It’s important to note here that one person can have different attachment styles across different types of relationships. This attachment style test is one of the best out there (it’s free!) and shows you your different styles in your relationships with parents/caregivers, friends, romantic partners, and overall in general.

I, for example, look like this: with my parents I have an avoidant style, with my friends I am secure, with romantic partners I am anxious.

How can that be? How can I be secure with friends and anxious with boyfriends?

As adults, our attachment styles become most salient, or show themselves the most, in our romantic/sexual relationships. Whether this is because of biology or overculture, we tend to put more value on romantic partnerships than we do on other types of relationships in our lives, like friendships or professional relationships.

In romantic relationships, we create dependency (whether that’s codependency or interdependency) more than we do in other relationships. So, as far as attachment goes, it is within our romantic relationships that we are more likely to form attachment bonds. These are the people we most want to depend on to be there for us, to meet our emotional needs, to love us as our authentic selves.

This isn’t to say attachment bonds cannot be formed between friends. They certainly can. But, why can I form secure attachment with friends but not with romantic partners? Because of the value I place on these relationships. And also because of biology. Needless to say, our attachment system is always evolving.

These styles are not fixed.

Think of them as being on a spectrum. Every single social experience you have influences your style. Our brains are not static. They are adaptive and are constantly changing and evolving. In fact, the only thing that is fixed about this, is the constant change.

And the fact that we all actually have attachment needs. For the avoidant in particular, it’s easy for this style to convince themself they do not have attachment needs (because they were programmed to silence those needs). But y’all, we’re all human beings.

We are social creatures. Literally, we would die without each other. Our brains develop through social interaction. We are dependent on connection to be well. Don’t believe me? Check out this Harvard Study. It’s the longest study every conducted (85+ years) on human happiness. You know what the strongest predictor of human health and happiness is? You guessed it, relationships.

We need relationships. We need connection. We need to have people in our lives we can depend on to meet our emotional needs.

But— can we have this if we do not first love ourselves?

If we lack self love, can we have happy and healthy relationships with others?

Have you ever heard anyone say something akin to the following:

• You have to love yourself before you love another.

• I can’t be in a relationship until I love myself.

• I can’t love you if you don’t love yourself.

• You’re hard to love because you don’t love yourself.

• You need to have self love for anyone else to love you.

You get the jist. The dominant, intrusive, and misleading idea here is that self love is a prerequisite for true love with another. And worse, that self love is isolated and contained to, well, the self. It’s something you do alone— by your self. It’s fully your responsibility. It’s up to you to create self love within yourself.

I call bullshit.

Let’s go back to Attachment Theory. The anxious and avoidant toddlers grow up to be for all intents and purposes, dysfunctional. They are not able to have healthy relationships. This also means that generally speaking, they are less healthy than those lucky toddlers who had parents who consistently met their needs and infused them with a secure nervous/attachment system. Us anxious and avoidant folk— we grow up to be less physically healthy, more likely to be addicted, less professionally successful, and just generally a lot less happier than our secure counterparts.

Both anxious and avoidant styles experience insecurity in their relationships and their environments. And let me pause for a moment here with a mini soap box spill about the word/concept of “insecurity.”

Insecure means emotionally unsafe. Let me say it louder for those in the back:

FEELING INSECURE MEANS YOU FEEL EMOTIONALLY UNSAFE.

This word, ‘insecure’ is often used as an insult; thrown as a dagger. It’s used to blame someone for their lack or their unwillingness to do the “self work“ necessary to become secure, confident, and full of self-esteem.

No. This mindset is not only wrong, it’s harmful.

The word ‘insecure’ comes from the Medieval Latin word ‘insecurus,’ which means unsafe. To be insecure is to be emotionally unsafe. To be emotionally unsafe is to be someone who has experienced internal nervous system dysregulation as a result of trauma or unsafe experiences others inflicted on them. People who are “insecure” need compassion; they need safe people and safe experiences.

People who are ‘insecure’ are people who 1) do not believe they can be authentic (and really probably don’t fully know how to) and have their emotional needs met and 2) have nervous systems/bodies that behave in accordance with this false core belief.

We probably all know by now that our bodies keep the score. You can logically know something is wrong/not good for you (like texting the person 10 times in a row when they don’t respond to you), but feel a sense of powerlessness over the behavior.

You can be in freeze or fight mode (like being defense and insulting someone who you genuinely want connection with but you have an avoidant attachment system so it’s safer to push everyone away) and a small part of your brain is going, “it’s okay, calm down” but your body is freaking out and cannot center itself.

So, what’s the remedy then? Self love?

Is it hot baths, long walks, and nutritious meals? Maybe it’s self help books/podcasts, therapy, and journaling?

In part, yes. But only in small part.

What if self love means having a secure (read: emotionally safe) attachment/nervous system?

What if loving myself means doing things that rewire my brain to move along the spectrum from insecure to secure ways of being in relationships and in the world?

What if the things to do to achieve this are not solo acts of self care, but are instead, all relational?

What if self love is simply securely relating?

What if self love is allowing another to love you?

Read that again.

Self love cannot happen in isolation. Now, do not get confused: self care (the baths, walks, meals, books, journaling, meditating, hobbies, etc) can and should happen by your self— and these are all things that will help regulate your nervous system and are useful tools to have in your toolbox. But they are not self love. And they are not the solution to creating self love in your life. They will not bring you any closer to self love.

The only thing that will bring you closer to self love, is healthy, safe love with another.

This idea that healing nervous system havoc that was caused with/by another can only be healed by/with another is becoming a more and more popular paradigm in the mental health world. I keep coming back to this interview as an example of this concept.

But how can this be? How can self love be about another?

The anxious and avoidant folks (you securely attached do not suffer from lack of self love, so be on your merry way)- we become insecure through our earliest and most formative relationships— those with our caregivers.

Our internal systems, our neurology, our nervous systems, formed in a way that told us and others: love is not safe, secure, or dependable.

We, quite literally, developed without self love, because we developed without secure, safe, dependable love from others.

To heal this, we have to return to relationships. We are social creatures. We have social brains. We depend on connection, and love/relationships, for our health and happiness— for our very survival.

The only way to reprogram our insecure attachment systems is with secure connection.

We have to relearn. We have to re-relate. We have to learn our styles (take that quiz!), understand how it shows up in our behaviors, and then we have to choose to have relationships anyway.

Vulnerability is necessary here. Our truth is that we don’t love ourselves because no one has ever loved us unconditionally, just as we were/are in our authentic selves as humans who have basic survival needs for connection, love, and security. We have to be vulnerable in holding that truth— in showing it to another.

But the others we choose to show this truth to matter; they matter a lot. Who you choose to share this vulnerability with can make the difference between your core insecurity getting deeper, or new, secure pathways in your brain forming. We must choose safe people. People who won’t judge us. People who won’t say “you’re too needy or too insecure” to be with. But instead, people who will be with us and let us be who we are, and still love us, still care for us by simply being present with us in that experience.

Self love is about allowance. I will love myself by allowing another to see my vulnerabilities and fears. I will love myself by allowing another to help me learn what true, unconditional love is, and in doing so, care for me in the way my primary caregivers were never able to when I was a child.

I will love myself by allowing another to love me just as I am.

I want to share a final few thoughts, because it’s something I came across a lot in my own journey of understanding attachment styles, self love, and how to heal all of this, and I feel like it’s very very important.

Let’s talk about the difference between addiction and insecure attachment.

If you’ve been following my writing for very long, you know I am an addict (of substance use) in recovery. In learning about attachment styles, especially my own style of anxious attachment, I have read and seen A LOT about the concept of “love addiction.”

I’ve seen the two terms used interchangably, as if it is the same thing. I’ve seen a lot of addiction language used to explain the experience of anxious attachment feelings and behaviors. In fact, in a relationship I was in where my anxious attachment system was fully activated and I was engaging in protest behaviors (imagine the inconsolable toddler), I’ve been directly told, “you’re using me like a drug.” I’ve had other people tell me I am a love addict. And, I get it.

The two look a lot alike.

They are a lot alike. Secure connection = oxytocin, the love hormone. It feels good. It soothes us. And, it’s not unhealthy or harmful to want/reach for experiences that release this chemical in our brain. On the contrary, it’s actually unhealthy and harmful to not reach for it. But the how you reach, of course, matters, and I believe it’s where the mix up between addiction versus an activated attachment system happens.

Addiction does not create addiction. Trauma creates addiction. A wrecked nervous system that’s a result of trauma creates addiction.

The behaviors of an anxiously attached person who is experiencing separation from their attachment person looks a lot like a drug addict in withdraw. Think of the inconsolable toddler freaking the fuck out when mom leaves the room. In a grown up romantic relationship, the “freaking the fuck out” often looks like what’s called “protest behaviors”: nonstop attempts at contact, manipulation, anger.

These are all ways of getting louder or bigger in an attempt to be seen/heard/have the need met. And yes, they definitely look like someone desperately trying to get a fix. And in a way, that’s true. This person with an anxious attachment system that’s activated in that moment is trying to get a fix— they are trying to fix the problem of not having their attachment needs met. They are trying to fix their dysregulated nervous system by having a basic human need met: safe, secure connection.

For avoidants, in the world of sex and love addiction, they would be called “love/sex anorexics.” They aren’t seen as addicts to the extent that anxious attached folks are, because the avoidants are not chasing love, they are running from it.

But the key similarity here is that both types of attachment styles and their corresponding behaviors are rooted in the same thing: insecurity— i.e. emotional unsafety. Their behaviors that arise when their insecure attachment system is activated are attempts (however unhealthy and maladaptive the attempts are) for emotional safety.

When the anxious attached person protests or the avoidant attached person runs, they are doing so in direct response to their programmed nervous systems, in moments these systems get activated (for the anxious is when their partner moves away from them and for the avoidant, it’s when their partner moves towards them). Again, both types of behaviors are subconscious attempts to experience emotional safety. They are seeking out emotional regulation in quite literally the only way their bodies know how to do. Yes, these behaviors are maladaptive— they do not create true authentic emotional safety. They do not create self love.

And it’s because these behaviors are maladaptive that they can easily become confused with addiction.

But there is one key, vital difference.

Maladaptive coping behaviors triggered by an activated/dysregulated attachment system, are still attempts at emotional safety. And because emotional safety is inherently relational, these attempts are at their root, movements towards connection.

Addiction on the other hand, is about escapism. Addiction is also a maladaptive coping mechanism, often rooted in trauma. But addiction is not an attempt at creating connection. It is a move towards separateness and isolation. It is a way to cope with feeling disconnected. Addiction is a way to escape hard feelings, not move towards them.

There’s a saying in 12 step programs: connection is the opposite of addiction.

This is the difference between a person with an insecure attachment system and an addict: the former is trying to move towards connection, the latter is moving away from it.

There’s a lot more I could say about this, but to be frank, I need to chew on it more. The more I learn about Attachment Theory and the more I learn about “love addiction,” the more I am starting to believe love addiction is a false, harmful concept. (Note: this is separate from sex/porn addiction, which are very real addictions.) But love?

Can we really be addicted to love? Or is it perhaps that we simply do not know true unconditional love— do not know the experience of self love— because our very beingness was programmed in its lack? If this is the case, are we “addicted” to trying to experience true, safe, secure love? What are the ramifications of viewing it this way?

I know for me, I am an addict because I chose to use a substance over and over again at first because it felt good, then because it was like a medicine, and finally because it felt like I had to/it was a compulsion. Because I had parents who are addicts (genetics) and experienced trauma in childhood (environment), I had a high likelihood of developing addiction. Some theories might say addiction is a disease and we do not have choice in the matter. I believe it is a disease, and I believe some of us are much much much more likely to get it than others. But I believe it’s our choices (however limited they are) that create the dis-ease.

Insecure attachment, on the other hand, is not a choice. It happens to us. Our only choice in the matter is to create consciousness around it, and then heal it by allowing secure love into our worlds.

My parents did not make me an addict. They did make me (knowingly or not, most often it’s unknowingly) have an insecure attachment system, which contributed to my likelihood and choices to become an addict.

If you want to learn more about love addiction, start here. I suppose all of the “characteristics of love addicts” could be applied to insecure attachment systems. But if you view these characteristics through a lens of addiction rather than attachment theory, you might believe the “love addict” is using “love” or maladaptive behaviors around love/relationships as a way to escape hard emotions, rather than as a (failed) way to move closer to safe, secure love, as an insecurely attached person would do.

Both of these paradigms offer tools/steps/remedies to create more balanced, healthy relationships. But one happens to you and the other happens because of your choices.

Could the concept of “love addiction” be merely another western, capitalistic attempt at colonizing our bodies, our very beingness, and our relationships and behaviors, in a failed attempt at medicalization? Are we “love addicts” or do we simply have an insecure attachment system? Can we be both?

Lots to unpack there ;) I think I’ll save it for another rainy day.

For now, friends, I leave you with this: self love is relational.

You want to experience true self love in your life? Get vulnerable. Choose to allow safe people to love you in that vulnerability.

Healing is possible. But it’s your responsibility, and it’s your privilege.

No one can save you. Only you can save you. But you can only save yourself through allowing another to save you with safe love.

Hold this ^^ paradox. Let it permeate in you. Let it touch your deepest part of self and filter under your masks and infuse your heart.

You deserve love because you are alive.

Blessed be.

In what ways do we waste, or worse, cause harm, with this energy? In what ways do we steward it for the good of all?

I actually recently published my third poetry book about it, ‘Healing: Cum and Dance’ (get your copy here)!

We all go through hard, scary times in life. Healing can be painful. But cultivating pleasure and sensuality through the healing process adds a flavor and nuance that fills rather than takes.

I went through a dark night of the soul last summer, fall, and early winter. As I moved through it and out of it, I’ve intuitively known healing with and through sexual energy would be next. Somatic healing with my body and sexual healing with my soul have been heavy on my mind as we inch towards a seasonal transition once again.

So, to help both me and you (we get what we want when we give it away) with these tools and practices, this blog post covers how:

• sexual energy is the most potent energy of life

• to channel this energy through preserving and redirecting it

• to channel this energy through releasing and channeling it

• pleasure is my [our] birthright 😉

Transmute Sexual Energy as Creative LifeForce

I’ve learned about sexual energy through studying yoga, ayurveda, tantra, taoism, witchcraft, and even christianity. It’s everywhere.

Sex might just be one of the most contentious topics on the planet. But that’s probably because it’s the most universal. It’s also the most potent, and the most divine. Sex takes us right to Source.

Sexual drive, exchange, and manifestation is literally everywhere, in everything. From pollination to reproduction to painting- in any form of creation, sex is present. Sex is the center of all life.

Sex can change the world. It does change the world– whether it’s done intentionally or mindlessly. The choice is always ours.

This energy– the life force– of sex has the power to both create and destroy. What goes up must cum down, right (pun fully intended)?

It hurts my heart to write that unfortunately, we’ve all probably seen the shadow side of this potent energy– destruction, abuse of power, sexual violence, objectification and dehumanization. Sex can (and does) destroy.

The relative side of this powerful force, however, is an energy stronger than anything else that exists in our world. And if you know how to transmute sexual energy, how to channel and engage this energy with full intention and purpose, the sky really is the limit.

Ways to Channel Sexual Energy

There are many techniques to transmute sexual energy. But there are really two many ways to work with the energy:

1.    Preserve and redirect it

2.    Release and channel it

Preserve & Redirect

Preserve & Redirect means keeping the energy inside your physical body. It’s about alchemizing (turning it into something else) the sexual, creative life force into fuel to energize something that you will create.

One example of how to transmute sexual energy through preserving and redirecting is semen retention. For people with a penis, many schools of thought teach (spiritual and scientific) that orgasm is not the same as ejaculation, and the two can be separated (with lots of practice and patience). Many believe that retaining semen (for those with a penis) means retaining vital life force, or prana.

The benefits look like: enhanced energy, more stamina, more magnetism (others are more attracted to you), more focus, more drive, just overall more umph.

With sexual transmutation, this umph can be redirected towards a goal– want to ace a test, land a presentation, win the game, do the thing? Transmute, my brothers, transmute.

For those with a yoni, this practice might not include retaining semen, but rather, retaining the sexual energy built up with anticipating orgasm, or edging.

Edging is when you build sexual arousal, allowing it to peak close to orgasm. But before reaching climax, you stop and redirect the energy. (Obviously, this practice can be used with people of any genitalia).

Remember to Breathe

Breath work is key to this practice, as is body awareness. A good place to start is focusing on the energy you feel in the body during self pleasure (this can be done with a partner, but I recommend practicing solo first to get more acquainted with how sexual energy moves around and through your physical body).

Focus on breathing as you notice sexual sensation ignite in the body through self pleasure. As you notice your energy climbing up, close to climax, use the breath to settle and disperse the energy throughout your physical body.

There are many different ways you can transmute sexual energy internally. The purpose is to keep the energy within the body so that the physical body has enhanced capabilities with this energy. By working up sexual energy and then transmuting it to stay within your physical body, you’re essentially charging your Ka, or Qi (as taught in Chinese medicine).

The second method of transmutation entails releasing the energy (yay, you get to cum!), but doing so with an intentional, visualized purpose.

Release and Channel

Orgasm is a portal to source, to oneness, to the divine. It’s a blip experience (or longer if you’ve gotten there) where neurons and chemicals and reactions are ripping through your bodies (physical and energetic) and you’re filled to the brim with unadulterated bliss.

And it’s really fucking powerful. That energy is the catalyst for creation. That explosion, if you will, is the stuff of life (literally and figuratively, also pun intended, again hehe).

The energy of orgasm can be transmuted to fuel the manifestation of all your desires. It can heal you.

To do this, you must master the practice of visualization. This is a meditation technique. If you’re new to the practice of visualization, start with these five steps.

In order to transmute the energy of your orgasm into opportunity, you must already have experience and a developed practice working with your breath, with the movement and directing of sexual energy within your body, and as mentioned above, with visualization. In other words, you need to be practicing meditation.

Once all that is set in motion, here’s how transmutation works:

How to turn Orgasm into Opportunity

1.    Decide what you want. This can literally be anything (but it must be something that can only be created by/through you– a secret to manifestation is that you can never control another). Want to paint a mural? Run a marathon? Build a business? Heal a disease you have? Transmute it.

2.    Get sexual. Immerse in pleasure. Raise the energy (this can be solo or with a partner– if it’s with a partner, I recommend talking with them about it beforehand so they know you’re engaging in an alchemic practice while being intimate with them).

3.    Once you feel the energy within you close to peaking, bring your desire (the thing you decided you wanted in step 1) to your mind’s eye. Focus on it. Visualize it. See it and feel it (another tip for manifestation is feeling the thing you want as if it’s already yours).

4.    Cum. Yes, cum. Orgasm. Do the thing. Release. Surrender, let go. Let yourself be lost. But, this is where it gets tricky– step outside of yourself and contain the flow of that energy that’s released with your orgasm, and redirect it to your desire. Visualize a river of energy that releases from you with your orgasm. Direct the flow of this river to the thing that you want.

Transmuting to Heal

The purpose of this technique is to transmute the powerful, potent energy of orgasm to manifest your desire. It’s as if you’re giving the universe/god (yourself, really), extra energy (that umph) to make the thing you want to happen, happen.

Lately I’ve been transmuting the energy of orgasm into clearing and healing my chakras. It’s been a fun and eye-opening practice for me. I started it months ago, once or twice during solo pleasure. I’d pick a chakra that I needed to cleanse/charge– my throat chakra for example, because of all the new writing I’ve been getting into– so I would imagine the color blue and transmute my energy to that chakra for healing and rejuvenation.

Over time, this practice evolved, naturally. Our bodies are intelligent. And our souls are part of our bodies (in this 3rd dimension place of Earth we all exist in). Eventually, I started to let my body show me which chakras the energy needed to direct to. So I would do my thing, and when I’d get close I would open my third eye to allow any color/chakra to emerge that needed the healing. Sometimes I would see yellow (solar plexus), or green (heart), or red (root).

The Differences

It’s important to understand the release and channel method is different than the retain and redirect method in two main ways:

1.    In keeping the energy internal versus external. If you retain and redirect it, you’re transmuting the energy to charge your own life force so that you can have that umph to accomplish or achieve. If you release and channel the energy, you release it as an external energy and direct/channel it to manifest something external (to bring something to you). By releasing and redirecting the energy, you’re allowing/inviting it to interplay with the external world. (Side note: you can release it and channel it back into your physical body like I do with the chakra healing, the benefit of this brings us to #2, the potency).

2.    The potency of the energy. Releasing and channeling is stronger because you bring yourself in the full height of the energy through orgasm. When you retain and redirect, you get very close to that place, but you don’t quite charge it to completion (I’m totally with it on these puns today).

Final Thoughts (Before you Play)

This energy is strong. Yogic philosophy teaches us to not mess around with “awakening kundalini” (what yogis call this potent sexual energy) until we’re ready. Witchcraft conveys the same caution– be careful with sex magic.

Yet, what I’ve come to learn through my own experiences working with this energy is that you will just know when you’re there. You’ll know when it’s right. I think in order to even be capable of consciously working with this energy, you must have some basics in place first (like what I said earlier about meditation and breath work).

You can’t just jump right in if you don’t know what you’re doing, if you don’t have the other building blocks in place first. So, don’t fear it. As with all yummy sexy time, take your time. Go slow. Be present.

Do it with intention.