An Un-Sorry

a poem of painful truth

I'm sorry I wasn't
am not
enough
for you.
I'm sorry
I'm too much for you.
Too needy,
too loud,
too wanting
and longing in ways
you fear,
you reject,
you condemn and condone.

I'm sorry I reached
for what was never mine
to have
nor yours
to give.
I'm sorry
I chased
and chased
and chased
until loss and
lost
took me.
Took us--

an 'us' that never
became,
never saw the light
of day;
you smashed it
before it could be--
could breathe.
I'm sorry you can't,
won't,
aren't able.
I'm sorry running
is safer
than loving

and I'm sorry
we never knew
how
to love safe,
to choose faith
that God works
through love--
through unknowing
tugs.
I'm sorry you feel
like you're not 
enough.
I feel it too. 

I'm sorry
you're not sorry
but silence
pierces
and pains
a mending
long overdue.
I'm sorry
for how I used you,
and you used me
and this upwelling
of change,
of blessings,

can't you see?
Can't you see?
Can't you see?
I'm sorry
for the blindness,
for taking hands,
for unable mothers
and gone fathers.
I'm sorry
none of this
is all fault
and I'm sorry
all of it is. 

But most of all,
I'm sorry
that I'm not sorry.