Rage

a poem and invitation to be in the fire

The rage
is eating me
swallowing me
I can't see
straight
any longer.

I scream
my lungs will tear
as the dark
pit of despair
claws its way
through my being.

I cannot tolerate
anymore of
this treatment
this existence
this life
of half living
of barely being
of inadequate existing.

I loathe
the meaninglessness
the purposelessness
the coasters.

I fury
my brow
at the belittled
disempowered
souls.

Why be here?
Why do I care so much?

Why can't you
do better?

Why can't we
do better?

I hate
in my heart
an unexamined life.

Intolerable pain
comes from the
lack
of self-truth.

I am done.
No more.

This poem originates from Hunni Bloom’s poetry book, Die with Me: Surrendering to Suffering.

Photo by Andrey Zvyagintsev on Unsplash

I wrote this poem in 2021 when I was deep in the throes of addiction. It’s unsettling, and grace-inducing to look back at it now from the vantage point of recovery. Of being healthy and well. I think this mentality is such an integral part of the disease of addiction. You can’t see outside yourself. You just don’t know what you don’t know.

I once heard in the rooms of the 12 step program I attend that the key to recovery is to simply show up and tell the truth about yourself. Then I heard another addict talk about how for most of her life she didn’t know how to tell the truth about herself— that her own self truth wasn’t accessible to her.

That was an aha moment for me. It really hit, ya know? I couldn’t either. I had no idea what the fuck my own self truth was.

And I think that’s what recovery is. That’s what this journey of healing (it doesn’t even have to be healing from addiction, but I do believe most of us experience addiction in some way, shape, or form during our life) is about— moving away from the lack of self truth.

I invite you to sit with that today. What is your own relationship to and with self truth? How do you experience your own truth about who you are, what you want and need, and how you show up and engage in the world?

Feel welcome to message me your thoughts, questions, reflections.

It is a joy to be here with you.

Blessed Be.

-Hunni B