Surrender To Suffering
What does it mean to surrender to the pain? How do I surrender to now? What is the spiritual meaning of surrender? What does surrender to your circumstances mean?
The past year of my life has been full of these questions.
Next week marks one year that my soul-mate pet, Tabby, passed away.
I never could have guessed the tsunami of transformation her passing would bring me. And through it all, I became intimately attuned to the process of surrendering.
Through my experience of accepting she was dying, choosing to let her go, and finding my way forward amidst the loss of my sweet girl and what she represented for me, I found my way back home to myself.
When she died, something inside of me broke open and I found myself facing an abundance of suppressed pain that needed my tending and nurturing. Tabby’s death summoning my own metaphorical death.
My story with Tabby is a special one.
We found each other when she was just a baby and I was only a teen. I found her abandoned at local park where I spent a lot of time growing up. When I found her, it was obvious that she had been surviving in this park for many months and worse, she had been abused.
I, too, had been in survival mode for many years.
It’s taken me years to process the impact of some of my parent’s behaviors throughout my childhood. It’s taken me years to confront abuse I endured throughout my youth. It’s taken me years to understand how this all has shaped and impacted me as an adult. And, it’s taken me years to forgive.
But through all this inner work I did over the course of several years, Tabby was there. Tabby and I were kindred souls. She helped me to feel less alone in the world. And she was my best friend. She was in my life for 15 years.
And so when she died, her death summoned a necessary surrender to my own dying– to release all within me that was holding me back.
I had to choose to have her euthanized, and it was such a harrowing decision to have to make. She had developed a disease, Canine Cognitive Degeneration, that is akin to doggy dementia. And though physically she was still healthy, her mind was dying. And she was suffering.
I held on to the time I had with her for as long as I could. I knew she had the disease and I cared for her intensely for six months before I finally made the decision. And when I did, it was a decision that changed my life completely.
I knew I had two choices: evade, ignore it, suppress it, pretend it’s not happening, let her die naturally when she is ready, just keep going
or
Face it, confront it, take it head on, surrender to it.
I know that if it was any other situation, any other circumstances, I would have chosen to suppress it. That was my conditioned default.
I was used to suppressing my pain.
But this choice was for Tabby. And I loved Tabby more than I even loved myself. So for her, I knew what the choice had to be. I knew I had to surrender to this wave of grief and trauma that came with having my best friend put down. Of choosing for her to die. And more than that, choosing to let parts of myself die with her.
So many different emotions hit me at once when I made the decision. I had to be brave and strong to face this. I had to allow myself to celebrate and then mourn her and all I had gone through and survived with her. And it was the most difficult work I’ve ever done.
I ritualized our last three days on Earth together. I took her down to the river to pray, I bathed us both and anointed us with lavender oil to ready us for her departure, and I made ceremonial circles and danced around her speaking aloud all the ways she had changed me over the years. It was the most present and connected to source I have ever felt.
After she passed, I found myself in a whole new world. I felt so broken open. Her death prompted me to look within and see what inside of me needed to die; what I needed to process and release. And so much started pouring out me.
Years and years of suppressed pain rose to the surface.
And when it did, I found myself facing the same choice. Suppress it, or surrender to it. Empowered and strengthened by the fire I had just walked through with Tabby, I made the choice to surrender.
So, I got to work making substantial and profound changes in my life.
I sat with my pain. I took death breaths through it. I let myself cry and shake and dance and move the energy through me.
And in doing so, I released what no longer was serving me and created space for new beginnings. I quit my job, decided to start my own business, committed to establishing roots in the Midwest, and bought my first home with my love.
And, I wrote poetry. I wrote so. much. poetry.
As I did the scary and intense work of processing my pain and all the changes within me it sparked, the words poured out of my mind, body, and soul. They soothed me.
And more than that, it healed me. Because I realized I had a choice– I didn’t have to hold on to that pain anymore. I could choose to surrender it and in doing so, heal it. Forgive it. Release it.
I felt a calling: write poetry.
And even though I felt not only out of my element, but downright terrified to pursue a path of being an indy poet, everything in me and everything speaking to me told me this path was how I would turn something so harrowing into something transcendent.
Every sign, whisper, and epiphany I received told me to write the poems, formulate poetry collections, and share my work with others.
Following this intuitive nudge has enabled me to surrender to suffering in the only way you can to experience true healing. After a year of this brave and vulnerable journey, I am filled with love and pride to share my second poetry book with the world.
This book is a chronicle of my journey of surrendering to suffering. It’s vulnerable, infuriating, devastating, and utterly inspiring.
Book Description:
We all experience suffering. The easiest way through it is to surrender to it.
Indy, self-made, intuitive poet, Hunni Bloom, takes us on an emotional and inspiring journey in her second poetry collection, Die with Me: Surrendering to Suffering. Prompted by the passing of her beloved dog of 15 years, this book evokes surrendering to, facing, and transcending deep pain and loss.
The poems speak to trauma, mental health, addiction, and profound healing. Separated into five sections: Purging Pain, Giving Grace, Choosing Choice, Honoring Home, and Setting Space, this collection explores the grieving and growing processes surrounding literal and metaphorical death. Choose Die with Me: Surrendering to Suffering and make your way through your pain to new beginnings full of empowerment, joy, and truth.
If you have any interest in poetry, have lost a pet or cherished loved one, or are still holding on to hurt from your past or misalignment in your present, I offer this work of poetry to you with all of my blessings and gratitude <3
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