The Levels of Self Care
Self care can mean many different things and it can take many various forms. What self care looks like for me might be different then how it looks for you. And are self care and self love the same thing? What’s the difference?
Let’s get at it. This blog post covers the different types and levels of self care, examples of each, how self love and self care differ but overlap, and how you can integrate these concepts into your daily life to up-level your health and wellbeing.
What is self care?
Think action. To care for another is to take action. Care is an act of doing. I care for my partner- I hold space for him when he needs to talk and vent, I make meals for us, I keep our home beautiful, I engage in physical intimacy with him. I pray for him and I send him energy of peace and love when he needs it. These are all acts of care.
Self care is how you express self love.
Love can be understood as emotive. It’s a feeling, literally in your body. Emotions and feelings live in the body.
But love is expressed, and shown, through the act of care. Through action.
Yet Practicing self love through self care can be hard.
I used to struggle with this. It reminds me of a conversation I once had with a dear friend.
I wasn’t feeling well and just felt off. I wasn’t sick, I was just unkept. My emotions were all over the place, I was addicted and lethargic and physically unsettled. I felt trapped in unhealthy cycles and patterns. And I didn’t know how to stop it all, how to change. I didn’t know how to self heal.
She was gentle with me. She listened and held nurturing space for me to get it all out. We took a few deep breaths together.
Then she asked if she could share some observations with me. In a crackly voice, I said yes.
“I’ve seen you do so many things that are in the name of self care and self love,” she said.
“You make gratitude lists every day. Take hot baths. Do rituals.”
“Yes . . .” I replied. “Go on.”
“You do all these things, check all these boxes of what you think self care looks like. Or what culture teaches us it’s supposed to be. It’s the instagram self care aesthetic.
But it’s not real, and it’s not getting to the heart and soul of self care and self love. Real self care is much more simple.
It’s about doing basic things for yourself that are acts of care.
“Taking the time to eat food your body needs and wants. And really listening for what that is. Getting good sleep, and enough of it. Having healthy relationships and setting boundaries with others and with work. Inviting play and joy into your life. All of these things, this is self care.”
She went on to the most important part.
“And under it all, there is a core belief: that you deserve it. That you are worthy of love, expressed through this level of care.”
That hit home. I felt chills down my spine. I felt my soul tune in.
It took me many years to grasp the true meaning of self love and integrate practices of basic, primary self care into my life.
It took so long for me to understand self love and practice real self care because I had a core wound of believing I was not worthy.
And once I saw that wound, and named it, I was able to heal it. Once I was able to surrender to my own suffering, I was able to engage in self healing, which was all about learning how to take real care of myself.
Over time (like, a lot of time– many years), I started to believe I was worthy of self love. And the more I believed it, the more I practiced the level of self care my friend spoke about. I made real change that stuck.
And today, I understand self care through two levels:
Primary and secondary self care.
Primary is what my dear friend helped me to understand. It’s the basics and is aligned with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Primary self care is feeding ourselves, resting, relating in healthy and fulfilling ways, and engaging in work and play in balanced, soul-nurturing ways.
Beyond this, secondary self care is what I was doing long before I learned primary self care. It’s the extra stuff that just feels good. It’s the luxury and the add-ons.
Secondary self care is making the gratitude lists, taking the hot baths, making the fancy teas, lighting the candles, doing the rituals, etc. It’s all the things that you layer on top of primary self care to help you feel pampered and cherished.
I do both in my life now. Plentifully and without guilt or hesitation. Because I know I am worthy. I am worthy of good food, deep rest, happy relationships, and health boundaries. And, I feel extra loved when I take time to draw myself a luxurious epsom salt and lavender bath, write poetry for an hour in the mornings, and do full moon rituals with candles and ecstatic, sensual dancing.
This is all self love, expressed through the simple, yet profound acts of self care.
Harvest Health
How do I have health, Mother?
I asked Her with a longing
and a hunch of what was next.
Breathe deeply and go below
the stories and tales
of worlds and worries.
Drop like a stone through water
into your sacral indwelling
and close your eyes to listen.
I'll take you to green pastures
and lead your bare feet
to the center of the Earth.
And there, we will find,
we will be found
among the bounty of the Earth.
With all her roots and seeds and
nuts tasting of chester and
flower stems worn as crowns.
Berries plump of juice and
nectar pooled in blooms,
giggling for release.
Fungi ripened of rot and
baby squirrels with acorns
of offerings for all.
Commune and forage and harvest,
She says with her cherry-stained lips
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